I think popular culture really has skewed people's thoughts about and responses to psychotherapy.  Enough foolish images of therapist speaking to people on couches, repeating asinine catch phrases like "how does that make you feel?"

How to Get Good Psychotherapy

1.  Find a good therapist.  Believe it or not, this is easier said than done.  I've seen four in my lifetime, the first three for 5 sessions or less, the last is ongoing and I've lost count.  Without a doubt, the Ph.D. therapists were better than the Masters level ones, but that may be my experience and not necessarily a universal phenomenon. 

2.  Cultivate a good relationship.  The best way of looking at a psychotherapist is as a partner in your own mental health.  That doesn't mean that they shouldn't disagree with you strongly and regularly, but rather it's important to recognize that they should be working with your best interests in mind.

3.  Don't lie or hold things back from your therapist.  Sounds easy right?  The thing is, the average person lies 3 times in 10 minutes of conversation.  Sometimes I would lie to myself, most of the time I would catch myself lying in order to steer the conversation where I wanted it to go, or to hide something I felt ashamed of.  However, most therapists are privy to the darkest recesses of their client's minds at some point.  You don't have to hide those thoughts of pushing an annoying person down the stairs, we've all had them.  And for god's sake, don't hide other traumas loved ones have done to you in order to protect them.  It really won't help.  This is a private place designed for you to heal, there is nobody to protect in this environment.

4.  Get over the idea that seeing a therapist is shameful or a failure on your part.  For a long time I had a sort of "survivor mentality" where I felt needing others or needing therapy was a failure on my part.  I tried to be independent, and I could be, at the cost of attachments all humans need.  I don't feel any shame about seeing a therapist, but even this week I was asked if it was ok for someone to tell their folks I was seeing one.  There is an unfortunate attitude that only crazy people who can't function need therapy.  The thing is, I know plenty of people who can function, but are completely miserable.  If you find yourself repeating patterns that cause you misery, it's probably time to be honest with yourself and look at what is causing those patterns in the first place.

5.  Don't give up.  A few weeks into therapy, I started seeing things more for what they were.  I started being more honest with myself.  Suddenly I was very miserable.  It's unpleasant reliving and mastering old traumas, but if we don't get a good handle on them, the repeat in new ways in our lives as we seek mastery over them.  A little pain early on in therapy is worth a lifetime of not repeating that pain, and not letting affect those that care about you....it really is.  Unfortunately, most people feel uncomfortable during this period and bail.  9 out of 10 then say "Therapy doesn't work."  *sigh*  I used to be one of those people.

My Own Experiences in Therapy

I've been in therapy since March.  I'm not ashamed of it, not at all.  I had been living with a poor map for how to relate to people since childhood.  I don't blame my parents, they didn't much know what they were doing.  They repeated patterns that they learned from their own parents.  Still, I don't think constant fighting and undermining of each other, and tons of secrecy, left me well-prepared to judge what is healthy and what isn't in relationships.  I went through my entire adult life repeating their mistakes, especially the ones where they knew they were doing something wrong, but rather than change themselves and be good role models, I was simply told "do as I say and not as I do."  I get it now, that doesn't work.  My dad smoked throughout my childhood, and all of his children have smoked at one time or another.  (BTW, no, I am not a smoker now.)

Family dysfunction can be a significant handicap to the formation of secure relationships, but it isn't an excuse for poor behavior.  Unfortunately, I literally didn't get that what I was doing was getting in the way of friendships, romantic relationships, and my ability to relate to my family.  I had no idea.  Growing up afraid of my father, I had more of a survivor attitude.  I would do what I could to get by until I was able to grow up and leave the house.  Even then, basic rights of passage (such as a driver's license) were denied until I appeased my father's expectations.  (In fact, I was able to get my driver's license only because I signed up to take the test without his permission, but still needed a parental signature.)  This made me react to the world as a place to either fear or conquer, rather than living in it.  So far through therapy, I've found at least three defense mechanism that in my mind were supposed to protect me emotionally, but instead really hampered my ability to form lasting relationships.

1.  Withdrawal.  During my childhood, fights and arguments and shouting we a nightly occurrence for me.  Fighting back didn't allow any victories, and so I only did it if I felt cornered.  I learned to avoid the situation by withdrawing emotionally.  As an adult, it became the same way.  My first instinct when confronted with an argument, or someone being upset with me, or really any sort of emotional unpleasantness that I couldn't see an immediate solution to was to simply pull away.  This drove my significant others, in particular, nuts and while it protected me somewhat, it also sabotaged my ability to have a deeper, more intimate bond with them.  I still catch myself tempted to follow this trend, but now I force myself to deal with such issues in a more head on way.

2.  Rationalization.  For a long time, I wouldn't say how I felt about things.  Furthermore, if I did screw up (I'm only human), I would often respond to criticism by attempting to explain why I wasn't trying to hurt the other person.  This led at least one person close to me to exclaim, "you don't always have to be right!"  It wasn't about being right, it was about explaining why I hadn't meant for whatever action I had done to be taken a certain way.  Unfortunately, it meant that the other person's feeling were often invalidated.  Yet all I wanted was to state that my motives weren't malicious.  Strangely enough, I don't think anyone has thought I had malicious intent, they have just wanted an apology.  I think I spend alot more time now saying simple things like, "I'm sorry, I didn't think that would bother you, I'll try not to do it so much in the future."  Though it isn't all the time.

3.  Holding grudges.  I didn't even think of this as a defense mechanism.  But really, what's the point of holding a grudge other than to protect yourself from receiving future harm at the same person or a similar person's hand?  Unfortunately, unless you want to toss away every relationship in your life, you need to be able to forgive.  Exacting "justice" from someone else accomplishes very little other than to aggravate the problem.  My dad does this.  He never lets anything go.  He remembers slights from years and decades past and never forgives.  He's completely miserable.  It was really strange when my therapist more or less just gave me permission to defy my father's spirit and just start forgiving people.  This one is really a few weeks old, and I'm shocked already at how much relief I feel.  i feel like I don't have to dwell on past hurts, but evaluate things in a much more healthy way.  It is, in fact, very freeing.

Now, the more interesting part is what has initiated the defense mechanisms in the first place.  It's kind of sad, because I think that I've put these series of masks on to the world to defend myself from being hurt, and the whole time I think the real me woudl be more appealing to those I care about anyway.  But i thin those of us that are denied self-expression and really the ability to be genuine and individual growing up struggle with with in general.

One of the more enlightening moments was when i discovered that the people around me were also gaining in mental health from me being in therapy.  That makes me happy.  I could have blindly passed my own issues on to my children, like my parents and their parents before them.  I didn't.  I've found myself able to truly actuate my own happiness for several months now.  It's not always pretty, but it's night and day from how I used to deal with things.  Yay for me!

Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)".

Pick Your Artist: Morphine

Are you a male or female:  “Swing it Low”

Describe yourself: “Test Tube Baby”

How do you feel: “So Many Ways”

Describe where you currently live: "Top Floor, Bottom Buzzer"

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:  “Wishing Well”

Your favorite form of transportation: "A Head With Wings"

Your best friend is: “Like a Mirror”

You and your best friend are:  “Cure for Pain”

What's the weather like:  “You look like Rain”

Favorite time of day: “The Night”

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:  “The Only One”

What is life to you: “The Other Side”

Your fear:  “Gone for Good”

What is the best advice you have to give:  “A Good Woman is Hard to Find”

Thought for the Day: “Have a Lucky Day"

How I would like to die:  “Do Not Go Quietly Unto You Grave”

My soul's present condition:  “Empty Box”

My motto:  “I Had my Chance”

 

Debating creating a new blog so I can let my mind wander freely and write things without feeling like I have to water them down to the point of insipidity...and so that I don't have to put up with anyone's hurt feelings if I happen to actually speak my mind on a topic or two.  I want to assert my own voice again, free from the pollution of the thoughts of others.  I want to air my own dirty laundry without worriying that I'm speaking too candidly about other people's private affairs.

So there is some part of me that thinks I should just do it here.  Let go.  Let those who don't like what I have to say change the channel.

Hell, how did I ever get to the point of worrying what other people think of my blog in the first place?

I hate self-censoring.  I think things and want to say them, to have a time stamp that I was feeling this or that at a certain point in my life....something honest.  And I want people to treat me honestly in return.

Blah.

-Scoundrel

(Hell, even my handle no longer fits me...I'm in no way a scoundrel anymore.)

I just found out that Pete Buchy, who owned the books that we played our first D&D game with in college, passed away recently.

I haven't seen Pete in a few years.  I visited him briefly with twiggerlof  one winter a few years ago.

We weren't so much in touch anymore, Facebook friends, really...but I'm sad that another person I know has passed away before their time.

Rest in Peace

I've been holding off talking about this for one reason or another for a few weeks now.  I think I'm still used to being in a secret relationship, and I didn't want to publicize before I knew how I felt and what was going on.

ssmiley01  and I have been dating for a few months, and recently, we decided to make it "official" on Facebook.  So I guess what that means is that I have a new girlfriend for the foreseeable future. 

We met in 2003, and so we've had almost 6 years of time to get to know each other.  I'm surprised to find myself in this position, as we very nearly started dating two years ago, and various events conspired to prevent that from happening, and I more or less moved on with my life without her in it.  Therapy has been very helpful for understanding and learning how to forgive.  Also, I have learned why I make the same mistakes in relationships the really matter to me, and how to avoid those patterns in the future.  I'm glad I had someone with whom I had so much history to help me understand how those patterns were foolish and hurt me in the long run. 

Anyway, aside from my Facebook comments, I figured I would post here that I am now taken.

And smiling :D

For my special girl.

Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

Ok, so randomly, I stop at Trader Joe's one morning.  Outside there is a man giving away free copies of the Marin Independent Journal.  I pick one up.   This is the first and only time I have ever held a copy of the newspaper.  I specifically pick it up to see if there are any interest pieces about the Buck Institute.

This was on April 26th.

I'm not sleeping well at night, so I decide that I'm going to do the crossword that night.  The rest of the paper I toss, and I'm doing the crossword in bed.  It's tough, but not impossible.  I put it down for weeks on end and approach it with better focus and determination later.  For some reason, the crossword is giving me all sorts of hell.  I'm nearly finished now, but one area was confounding me until recently.

55 Across:  "N. Dak Neighbor" (4 letters)
43 Down:  "City in 55 Across" (5 letters)

I try to fit "MONT" and "SDAK" and try to remember the Canadian Province North of North Dakota.  None of them fit.  Of course not, I realized tonight!  The problem is that for some reason I ignored the Most Obvious Answer

"MINN"

Yup, forgot to check my home state.  D'OH!!!

Ok, so I figure since I known my home state pretty well, I won't have much trouble figuring out the city.  So I start this time with my home town.

"EDINA"

IT TOTALLY FITS!!!  OK, so I think there's no way in hell I stop one day and randomly pick up a copy of a newspaper that lists in it's crossword the EXACT CITY I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN. So of course, I check the answers.  Sure enough.

HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT?

I am disappointed at the outcome of the Proposition 8 election, and of course my opinions have been made obvious on this blog over the past year.

However, Prop 8 was executed within the letter of the law.  It is a change to the California State Constitution, and therefore, while I find the law itself despicable and outrightly and openly bigoted; I do not think it was the State Supreme Court's place to legislate changes to a document it is require to obey.  I'm not sure it is within that body's jurisdiction at all, and possibly not even something it should have heard.  Rather, perhaps this was a case for the US Supreme Court.

I do not believe that this xenophobic hatred of homosexuality will last very long.  The fact that it was even voted on in an election means times have changed.  Homosexual culture is obvious and present every day on television, the paper, and wherever one looks.  The depictions of nice, normal people who just happen to be homosexual has become the norm, and I believe these laws will change within my lifetime.  Change takes time, and when we look at the demographics, it is obvious that within 20 years, over 30% of the people who voted for Prop 8 will be dead, and a younger generation of voters will make it's own decision.

In the mean time, I support those who fight their grassroot battles every day.  Stay strong people, it won't last forever.

You Narrator,
Scoundrel

"You can't control the thoughts and actions of others.  You can only be consistently true to yourself in the way you relate to them." - Joy

Dear distinguished readers.

Can anybody put me up for Friday the 15th and Saturday the 16th of this month?

My usual crashspace might now be available, so I thought I would ask around and see if anyone else is willing to put me up?

I would probably be getting into town early Friday afternoon, and then hopefully going out Friday night until teh wee ours.  I have a party to go to at 8pm Saturday, so I woudl have a busy schedule and need a pretty understanding host.

Still, it would be nice to hang out, see some people, and crash out in a fun place.

Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

I've come to the conclusion that my habit of doing numbered "stream of consciousness" posts on here has been severely compromised by Twitter.  Why bother writing out your thought across the course of a day when you can just "twit" them straight into the intarwebs.

My twitter name:  TheDrWiley

Unimaginative, but fun.

"Hi, (TheDrWiley).

Moylan's Brewery (MoylansBrewery) is now following your updates on Twitter.

Check out Moylan's Brewery's profile here:
 http://twitter.com/MoylansBrewery

You may follow Moylan's Brewery as well by clicking on the "follow" button.
Best,
Twitter"

I Twitted my local brewpub and see what happens?  The place is super friendly, meeting all sorts of nice people there.

My research presentation on Friday went really well.  I've done great things here, despite going through a very difficult time.  My research is wonderful, and it has been the one constant in my life.  It's good to know my passion is something I'm great at and is sustaining me.  I went into work Saturday evening after a day out brewing with my new friend Will, and sitting there alone in the lab working on something I'm passionate about was surprisingly fulfilling.  No matter what else I struggle with, I'm doing great in my career, and that makes me very, very happy.

Possible Future posts:

My upcoming visit to SoCal
Favre to the Vikings
Vikings predraft analysis

1.  Thursday.  Jetblue flight from SFO to Long Beach is awesome.  One hour flights rule!

2.  Ikoi picked me up at the airport and we went to Shinsengumi for lunch.  Ikoi is awesome!  I love having supportive friends.  She's also 4'10, so I could have put her in my pocket.  And she wears onesy PJs.  Sometimes you can be amazed when you meet your internet friends years after you started talking.

3.  Date Thursday night at CPK was awesome.  I think one of the themes of the weekend was me gauging my "emotional readiness" to date and allow myself to develop feelings for another woman.  I think I'm in a good mid-way zone.  The psychologist helps, and keeps me on a stable place of working on myself and making sure

4.  Being rejected for another man/woman is one of the most ego-crushing things that can happen to a person.  I've caught myself wondering "what makes me so deficient?"  or "what does he have that I don't?"  Always the big answer is that 'he has her"....whoever HER happens to be at the time.  This weekend, I learned much about my first rejection, and how it wasn't much of a rejection at all.  The truth is that in these situations we feel deficient, but we aren't.  We might even be the preferred mate, and we might not be.  Rejections happen for a bevy of reasons, and the strangest thing of all is that they are almost never personal, even when they FEEL personal.  As such, even though we might feel "less than", in truth we never are.

The fact that I'd never been rejected for another before my 30's means I had to learn this lesson a bit late in life, and it was a bit harder to process.  How did I go so long without?  My life is kinda strange.

5.  I say "awesome" too much.

6.  Friday was hanging out with Ikoi and Eric L., including lunch at Buttfuckers (because I love "Idiocracy") and a PJ party with pizza.  Watched the first 3 arcs of Higurashi in order to properly abuse the minds of those who has never seen it before.

7.  I think Saturday is more or less worthy of its own entry.

8.  Sunday was me finding a ride to my Second Family for BBQ.  I got to see Steve, Silvia, and even Mitchell came by, who I hadn't seen in like two years.  He now has a steel rod in his leg due to a motorcycle accident.  You know, every time I think about getting my license and buying a bike, someone I know or meet shows we their wipeout scars or tells a story of the enema they had to get in the hospital.  As sexy as I might be on a bike, I think I'm going to pass on this one for this lifetime...sorry ladies.  Also, who the fuck that it was OK to have 100 degree weather on my visit?  I was makin' my own gravy down there.

9.  ssmiley01  picked me up from the BBQ, and we made off with about two pounds of cooked meat, of course, and snuggled up on her couch.  Movie of the night was "Fido", an adaptation of "Lassie" in a world where everyone has pet zombies.  Morbidly and absurdly comedic, and therefore very much my taste.  I loves Zombies!  Man, the Zombie Defense Coalition needs to be reformed!  Amusingly,

10.  I love my friends when they say things like this:  "if you don't feel handsome, it speaks tragic things for the rest of us."  I'm just beginning to feel attractive again, and it's great!

11.  Monday was uberhot, so I took a walk, hung out in the cool, and helped Bryon try to get his transcript.  The night was fun, as I FINALLY saw Coraline (had plans to see with the Ex before breakup).  A quick Review:

Coraline is a claymation-style adaptation of the book by Neil Gaiman.  While both versions are certainly targeted toward children, the film uses several techniques to limit the macabre horror that the book more strongly suggests.  They also introduce an additional major character to the movie, which has the unfortunate side effect of making Coraline a bit less alone in the Beldam's world.  The movie strangely becomes more sexually suggestive at the cost of a certain alien fear.  I'm not sure how exactly that worked out, but it did.

The Main monster, the "Beldam", as written in the book, probably takes it's name and origin from "La Belle Dame Sans Merci", a poem by John Keats.  Another consideration is the slight variation from the word "Bedlam", which carries connotations of insanity or chaos.  I'm rather fond of the use of this term for Gaiman's book.  In general, I'm fond of authors who make subtle use of folklore or fiction, so Coraline pleased me on this level.

12.  Tuesday I flew to SFO in the evening, so it was a basic day....hot, and with just a small visit for some talk and kissing.  Some conspiracy for a bit of Guild wars to kill my time, and I'm a bit paranoid about playing an MMORPG....I have no need for something more addictive than heroine.

Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

"a man that squats on top of a womens face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex, known as "teabagging" "

I nearly peed myself when I heard that conservative protesters were calling their recent protests "teabagging".

Now, I'm not a big fan of the Federal Government spending money on an "economic stimulus"...mostly because they are raising the national debt by taxing me and my children instead of my parents.  They are doing this to bail out poorlu-managed companies that, frankly, need to die.  Sorry, I just don't think that bailing out companies that aren't cutting the mustard by charging my children is an acceptable practice.  (Note:  I'm opposed to this plan whether proposed by so-called conservatives or so-called liberals.)

However, seriously.....TEABAGGING????

I know it's supposed to be a reference to the Boston Tea Party, but GET A FUCKING CLUE!!!!

Cop yourself a squat,
Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

1.  So the Hop Rhizome Festival sold out of Hops Rhizomes half an hour before I arrived at The Bistro at Hayward.  AND WE ARRIVED AT 1:30PM!!!  Turns out the place isn't even a brewpub, but they did have Pliny the Elder on tap, so I was able to have a beer....before I realized I hadn't eaten that day.  Whups.

So with no Hops, I went crazy.  I drove my ass (with Steve) to every nursery I could find until I got myself a Golden Hops plant!  No Rhizomes, straight hops for me!  Metal!  They might grow some awesome flowers this year!  I named her Sabrina, since they normally only sell female plants, and I found a DVD of the Audrey Hepburn movie in my car when I was putting her away.

2.  The Green Fluorescent Beer Project is under way.  One third done and we're getting ready for even more!.

3.  Spent Easter moving my friend Remi into his new place.  That took less than 3 hours, then we ate steak, drank beer and wine, and played "Dance Dance Revolution" and "Guitar Hero:  World Tour".  I'm finally getting all my instruments down.  The tour with "Unplugged" - Nirvana, "Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor, and "Livin on a Prayer" - Bon Jovi.

4.  Saw the first part of "Religulous":  You would think I'd be happy to see a movie where the ridiculous parts of religion is mocked.  Here's the problem, Bill Maher is an ass.  He often makes very good points, and then loses us because he just couldn't resist saying something snarky or incendiary to make the religious people he was interviewing overreact to his statements.  (Of course, some were just defensive right away, like the guy who prayed the gay away.) 

5.  I have a date on Saturday (at least Saturday) and really looking forward to it, if past dates are any indication....it will be awesome!  Shock and awe....she already told her parents about me!

6.  Just overheard on the new "House"

Chase:  "You admit you lied to me and you're asking me to trust you?"
Cameron:  "Yes."
Chase:  "Ok"

I've had this conversation before.

Man, this episode is amazingly cathartic!  Though...the ending....why do I hate depictions of people going through what I went through, but everything ends up working out for them in the end? 

7.  "INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY IS NO GUARANTEE AGAINST BEING DEAD WRONG." - Carl Sagan

8.  Today I finally felt like myself for the first time in a long time.

Goodnight dear friends,
Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

This Thursday afternoon through next Tuesday night I will be in Southern California.

I'm flying, sadly, or I'd hit Mr. Danziger up for yeast Hefeweizen stocks.  Maybe I can him to ship some out?

Anybody have an interesting in seeing me besides the usual crowd?  My dance card is filling up quickly.

Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

So I attended Realms of Conflict on Friday Night-Saturday Night.

I needed to get out, burn off some energy, and not be in my house this weekend.  My friend Becca let me know that Realms of Conflict, a boffer-style LARP in the Santa Cruz Mountains, was going on at the same time.  I figured why not take out some aggression, get some exercise, maybe meet a few new people....it all seemed like a good idea, and it was!

I started dating my ex about the same time I moved out here, we spent so much time together that I really didn't do enough socializing to make friends.  I did find the book club for us, and the Silicon Valley Sudzers for her, so we would have friends, but I didn't dedicate much time to it.  Anyway, I didn't feel compelled to make friends quickly, so they came slowly, if at all.  When I got left, I lost my best friend as well.

Becca is one of those people I still talk to from okcupid, a person I met who makes a better friend than lover.  She has had me over for a pirate party in The City, and now has taken me to Realms of Conflict.  She listens to me, hugs me, gives me backrubs, and is completely sympathetic to me.  She also smokes my brand of cigarette, which makes if difficult for me to continue being a nonsmoker when I struggle so much with it right now.

Picking Becca up was a rather emotional trip.  It's kind of sad, because I travelled the entire Bay Area wth my ex, so every time I go to an area with a strong memory associated with her, or an area I only went with her, I still have a sad emotional reaction, especially if the memory was particularly strong or pleasant.  Becca lives half a mile from my ex's terrible former apartment in East Palo Alto, and I had flashbacks the entire way through it.

I got to play a barbarian, dual-wielded as a zombie (we likes dual-wielding), and generally goof off.

I didn't RP at all Friday night.  We got in late (after 9pm) thanks to a nice leisurely dinner in Mountain View or Sunnyvale or something.  Pho.  Once we got there, I talked to some NPC peoples and met some of teh cast, but didn't really do any roleplaying, since the game didn't start until after midnight.  I eventually got tired and cold, and I decided to try my luck at sleeping in the cabin, which worked perfectly.  I finally got a great amount of sleep and seemed better for it.

Saturday involved acting like a jerkoff barbarian at first and then playing a zombie in the maddening heat of the day.  The heat sucked, the actually swinging foam and duking it out with players was the fun part.  Plus, I got to groan and moan like a zombie.  Never mind that zombies are the weakest undead walking around.

And then I took a stab to the crotch from a claymore.  I shit you not.  Good thing the fucker had a stabbing tip to soften teh blow, but I went down.  My legs crumnpled backward and I fell, hard.  I had some people help me to a chair.  Of couse, Mr. Head of Plot walks over and tells me to move and sit in another area.  Are you serious?  Maybe I should hit you in the crotch and ask you to get up and walk over, huh?  How about a little sympathy?  Anyway, probably a good idea to invest in a cup if I'm going back.

Saturday night, on our way back to Palo Alto, Becca told me about a conversation she had with a female friend during a moment in the game.  A summation (based on my memory) follows.

"One of my friends came up to me on The Hill.  She asked me about you.  Y'know, if we were going out.  I told her we were friends, I didn't talk about your...situation.  She said she heard you were a doctor.  I told her you were a Ph.D.  Y'know, not a medical doctor.  So basically you're the new, cute, available doctor.  And she's going to go back to all the single girls to get the word out.  So, if you get flirted with in the future, that's what that's about."

*Smiles*

It's amazing what being asked about and being the subject of attraction rumors will do for a guy.  Suffice it to say a feel a bit better.

Once more in to the breach!
Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

Oh man, gmail is down and I'm Jonesing for conversation.

Funny how much I'm addicted to this stupid glowing box, but unfortunately, I just lost the closest friend I had in the area.  

Fucking electronic leash.

-Scoundrel

So I had an amazing day today.

1.  Saw the psychologist again today, who really presented more questions than answers.  But I've got lots of stuff to think about and work on.  One possibility for my panic attacks is that I really want to do something, but I'm preventing myself from doing it because either I don't feel entitled or because I feel powerless to do so.

2.  Decided to talk to my dad about some deep-seated issues.  I'd kind of assumed he'd be totally defensive, but he was very open and very happy that I wanted to talk with him about it.  He actually finally said he was proud of me.  So now I've got happy tears for a change.

3.  I MADE IT PAST REVIEW!!! That means I'm a Finalist for the AFAR/Ellison grant!!!!   Isn't that awesome???  It means not only do I have a shot at more money with an expense account, but that MY grant writing and ability is highly competitive with other researchers of various levels of capability.  It's awesome!  What a great CV builder, too!

Having a great day!
Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

Does anybody out there have any experience with panic attacks?

Basically, I'm finding myself, for no reason whatsoever, suddenly flush with a combination of fear/anxiety, I get hot (and then cold later), my heart beats hard and rapidly (~140-145 systolic, according to the physical I had to take during one), and most of all...I feel like there's a constriction aroun d my lungs.  I have trouble breathing, even catching myself reflexively holdijng my breath.  These are extremely unpelasant and come during terrible times.

After my last two breakups, I started getting these panic attacks.  This lead to part of my insomnia.  (The other part was my inability to stop focusing on my romantic and life problems in the past).  Basically, they are mild, but last quite awhile.  They most often come just as I wake up in the morning, or immediately after lunch.....but generally, they aren't coming because I'm thinking about my ex, they just sort of seem to sneak up on me.  Exercise definitely helps, but this is really much worse than being sad or upset about losing someone I cared alot about.

THAT part (the loss) seems to be getting better as I come to terms with things, but the panic attacks are proving more resistant.  Does anybody have any thoughts?

Who out there suffers from these damned things?  What advice can you give?

I'm seeing the shrink tomorrow, so I'll get her opinion, but I'd like the general perspectives of my readership on this one as well.

Thanks in advance,
Your Narrator,
Scoundrel

This is a list of stuff I really would enjoy doing, especially with friends....but mostlty it's projects that will make me feel more fulfilled.

1.  I want to keep doing therapy with Joy, the best shrink I've ever met.

2.  I want to be able to visit my friends more easily.  Maybe make some new ones.

3.  I want close friends who live nearby.  I want to meet new people I can have a common bond with.

4.  I want to work on the life-after-death project at IONS.

5.  I want to contact Loyd Auerbach, Michael Roll, etc.  The more afterlife data I have, the better.

6.  I want to get my damned taxes done.

7.  I want to congratulate myself on not contacting the ex for 15 days!  Half a month, brutha!  Each day it usually gets a little easier.  In some ways though, it's harder.  I'm growing and making realizations about myself and the relationship, and she was the one I used to share much of that with.  My current goal:  6 months no contact.

8.  I want to go on another fun date with a certain someone.  I also kinda worry that I want this.

9.  I want to make my place more "me".  I'm going to be in the Bay Area for awhile, so it's probably time I think about putting down some roots.

10.  I want ideas on how to make my image a bit more adult and a bit less grad school.